With planes returning to base even if passengers ask for what was previously called ‘service’ and remembering how a passenger, Dr David Dao, was dragged out of an aircraft and severely beaten up by the crew of United, I, with a huge dose of humour which I hope airline crew will allow me today, am issuing a set of guidelines for you, my readers that will help you reach your destination without getting offloaded.
Guideline One: While shopping in duty free, before entering the aircraft, pick up a small gift for the crew. Find out how many crew members there are and include the captain and co-pilot too, as surly pilots have been known to give their passengers bumpy rides and frightful landings.
Guideline Two: Do not carry any hand baggage onto the aircraft. Closing those overhead locker doors, strains their dainty muscles, which should be reserved for higher purposes like applying lipstick and patting their hair in place.
Guideline Two: When the food trolley goes by, politely decline to ask for anything, as that extra effort to serve you could cause them to get unnecessarily unnerved. Hunger pangs while flying, are still better than being thrown off a flying aircraft, right?
Guideline Three: Do not stare at the pretty air-hostesses while they are explaining safety precautions, as they are highly tense at this juncture, instead on behalf of fellow passengers insist they do not need to go through it, and that you and all the passengers would rather die than put them through this unnecessary hassle.
Guideline Four: Do not use the aircraft washrooms. Have you ever thought of the inconvenience you cause the poor crew face when you walk down the aisle to the restroom, unnecessarily having them to make eye contact with you and maybe forcefully put on a smile, also not giving them the opportunity of using same restroom, whenever they need a smoke, which they need because of a troublesome you? So before the flight, try yoga or meditation to control bladder and bowels. I’ll try and give you some exercises you can practice at home, before a flight.
Guideline Five: Smile! Yes, your smile could be the key towards successfully reaching your destination: Smile when the aircraft goes through turbulence, smile if she drops hot tea on you while serving your neighbor, smile when they announce that non-vegetarian food is over, smile when the crew make jokes about your size. That smile could just be your ticket to safety.
Please study these guidelines, but I can also give you details of ships that have started plying to the same places you fly to. These ocean liners may be slower, and some of them topple over on the way, but then like the Titanic they may make a movie round you!
Now, isn’t that more fun than getting offloaded?

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