“Sir, there is a journalist at the door!” “Tell him we have already issued the press release.” “He wants to attend the Press Council meeting, sir.” “Why?” “He says he is a journalist.” “How inconvenient! Does he also expect us to invite farmers when we discuss farming?” I imagined this…
Robert Clements is a journalist and newspaper columnist. With an estimated 6 million readership, his column, Bob’s Banter is published in over 30 newspapers and magazines in nearly every state in India, as well as in the top newspapers of Bangladesh, London and Dubai and is also translated into Hindi, Punjabi and Urdu.
Wanted! Indian Heroes..!
“Wanted,” I announced, “brave Indians for immediate placement at strategic locations!” “Security guards?” asked my neighbour. “Heroes!” “For a film? My nephew has six packs and no expressions.” The nation is rightly proud of Captain Smit Machchhar, who, despite serious injuries, opened his cockpit door, allowing others to intervene and…
Before Carrying Her Across…!
“Wait!” I tell the groom as he prepares to carry his bride across the threshold. He freezes. His bride looks worried. Somewhere behind them, an uncle stops chewing, convinced somebody has discovered an unpaid wedding bill. “Before you carry her across,” I say, “there are four actions you both need…
A Book is a Journey..!
“Wonderful news!” said the gentleman. “I have finished my book!” “Congratulations!” I said. “What happens in chapter two?” “The same thing as chapter one, but explained more thoroughly.” I imagined a train leaving Bombay Central, travelling enthusiastically for twenty minutes, then returning to Bombay Central so the driver could explain…
Ouch the Couch..!
“Congratulations, sir!” said the secretary, entering the sports official’s room. “Another gold?” “No, sir. Another baby. We are maintaining our population lead!” The official leaned back on his enormous couch. “Excellent! Put out a statement saying India continues to dominate.” “In population, sir?” “Must you spoil every announcement with details?”…
Death as Revenge..!
“Where is your appointment letter?” I imagine asking that question of anyone who announces he is killing people on God’s behalf. “Appointment letter?” he asks. “Yes. Signed by the Almighty. Authorising you to murder His children.” There would, I suspect, be considerable searching through pockets, followed by references to somebody’s…
Compassion When You’re In Agony..!
“Can’t you see I’m suffering?” we shout at the person who has brought us a glass of water. The person can certainly see it. After that reception, they are suffering too. I have often noticed how some believers acquire a different voice when trouble arrives. The voice that sang so…
Authenticity of the Video..!
When videos surfaced showing groups of men harassing women in Bihar’s Samastipur and Jamui, the words that police are “checking the authenticity of the video” caught my attention. Immediately, I imagined a police jeep racing through the streets. “To the crime scene, sir?” asked the driver. “Certainly not! To the…
Focus on the Shore..!
Halfway through a dip in the sea, I once swallowed a mouthful of seawater and announced that the sea was against me. A friend swimming beside me said, “The sea has never heard of you, Bob. Keep swimming.” He had a point. I had become so busy quarrelling with each…
No Bank Strike..!
When I heard that the bank strike had been called off, I wondered what would have happened if it had gone ahead. I haven’t visited my bank in months. But, it visits me several times a day, usually to announce that I have spent money. The woman inside my phone…
Robert Clements is a newspaper columnist and writes a daily column, which has graced the pages of over 60 newspapers and magazines, from a daily column in the Khaleej Times, Dubai, the Morning Star, London, and in nearly every state in India, from The Statesman in Kolkata, to the Kashmir Times in Kashmir to the Trinity Mirror in Chennai.