When videos surfaced showing groups of men harassing women in Bihar’s Samastipur and Jamui, the words that police are “checking the authenticity of the video” caught my attention. Immediately, I imagined a police jeep racing through the streets.
“To the crime scene, sir?” asked the driver.
“Certainly not! To the fellow who took the video!”
Soon, a bewildered man stood before an inspector. “Do you have a licence to take videos?”
“Sir, I saw a girl being assaulted.”
“I asked about your qualifications, not your hobbies.”
“I used my phone.”
“What brand?”
The man told him.
“And how old?”
“Three years.”
“Three years! Constable, we have an ageing witness.”
“But sir, the men’s faces are visible.”
“So are actors’ faces in films. Should we arrest everybody who plays a villain?”
The constable laughed. The inspector smiled at his own forensic brilliance.
“Show me your hand.”
The man stretched it out.
“Hold it steady.”
“I’m nervous, sir.”
“Aha! You cannot hold your hand steady, yet you expect us to believe your video? Constable, write: evidence suffering from nervous disorder.”
“Sir, please look at what they are doing to the girl.”
“First we must establish what you were doing to the phone.”
“I pressed record.”
“With which finger?”
“My thumb.”
“Left or right?”
“Right.”
“Political angle!” whispered the constable.
“Don’t rush,” said the inspector. “We are professionals.”
He studied the man suspiciously.
“Why were you not taking part?”
“In what, sir?”
“The assault. Everybody appears involved except you. Don’t you believe in team spirit?”
“I thought it was wrong.”
“Who authorised you to think?”
The man stared.
“How is it that you did not molest the girl?” continued the inspector. “Are you a foreigner?”
“No, sir!”
“Then explain this unusual behaviour.”
“I wanted to help her.”
“By giving our district a bad name? Very helpful!”
By now, the constable had filled six pages. Never before had an investigation progressed so rapidly without going anywhere near the crime.
Outside, a reporter waited. “Have you identified the attackers?”
“We have identified the phone model.”
“And the victim?”
“We have located the purchase receipt.”
“Any arrests?”
“The memory card is in custody.”
Soon, the inspector’s methods were adopted nationwide. Within a month, crime figures had fallen so dramatically that the inspector was invited to explain his success.
“We began by checking videos,” he said modestly. “Yesterday, we questioned a scream.”
“A scream?”
“Yes. No birth certificate, no permanent address, no proof it belonged to the person screaming. We dismissed it.”
The audience applauded. “What about the criminals?” asked a journalist.
“They have been very cooperative. Several have personally complained about unauthorised filming.”
“Any message for the public?”
“Yes. Before recording a crime, obtain written consent from everyone involved.”
The inspector’s phone rang.
“Sir, somebody has stolen your car!”
“Catch him!” he shouted.
“First, sir, we must check the authenticity of the video.”
“You idiot!” the inspector shouted, “that is only for criminals..!”
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Robert Clements is a newspaper columnist and writes a daily column, which has graced the pages of over 60 newspapers and magazines, from a daily column in the Khaleej Times, Dubai, the Morning Star, London, and in nearly every state in India, from The Statesman in Kolkata, to the Kashmir Times in Kashmir to the Trinity Mirror in Chennai.
We have two sets of rules, one for the powerful and the other set for the powerless.
Horrible condition of our nation
This is satire at its sharpest. The inspector’s absurd obsession with the person holding the camera captures a deeply disturbing reality: when attention shifts from the crime to some convenient tangential detail, the crime itself begins to disappear. Your humour makes that uncomfortable truth easier to confront. The jokes about the phone model, the trembling hand, the memory card and even the “scream” are hilarious on the surface, yet each exposes how procedure can become a convenient shield for inaction.
What makes the ending particularly powerful is that the inspector finally experiences the same absurdity when his own car is stolen. The punchline lands because, for once, he finds himself on the other side of the system he so confidently manipulated.
And perhaps that is the most frightening part. When numbers can be manipulated, evidence endlessly questioned and attention deliberately redirected, criminals do not always need to find a way out. Sometimes, the investigation itself quietly paves the road for their escape.
That is really what happens, it’s all because the system carries on from where the British left us. When the officer was upright the cops were exceptional, whe he was corrupt the juniors were also corrupt. A lot of us are still servile, the politicians order, the senior officers order the juniors jump and do far more then expected. Rarely we get officers like Julio Ribeiro, S Tinaiker, Khairnar, Munde who refused to toe the line and are sticklers for rules
Satire in real life!
Beautifully explained,vas it is in reality. BUT, how do the Police get away by subverting the Law, is because we common citizens do not educated ourselves with our basic constitutional rights and responsibilities.
There is a law that allows a Citizen who has been denied justice from any Government office to file a Private Citizens Complaint in the Court. I have done it successfully with the Police when handling cases where gross misuse of power by that Department forced me to act. ( I work with rural women and fight in the Police Stations and also engaged Lawyers to take up the matters in Court).
Fear of reprisals are what frighten most people from fighting back and holding these so called public servants accountable. I used the logic that my Taxes go towards paying all their Salaries in part, and therefore have every right to hold them accountable to their position of power and responsibility.