There was turmoil in the Mohan household the other evening. The kind that usually follows when cricket is discussed. Not because the TV set broke down during the Indo-Pak match, but because the Mohan parents discovered their two sons had just returned from playing cricket with the neighborhood bullies.
“Playing cricket with them?” thundered Mrs. Mohan, rolling pin still in hand from her half-made chapatis. “How could you? Don’t you remember they harassed your sister and roughed up your father last year?”
“But Ma,” said the elder son, proudly jingling coins in his pocket, “they paid us good money to play. See, here’s the cash!”
“And Ma,” added the younger one, with the righteousness of a saint defending the Ten Commandments, “we didn’t even shake their hands after the match!”
The transformation on Mrs. Mohan’s face was faster than Pakistan’s collapse in the last five overs. A smile spread across her lips. She counted the money, tucked it carefully into her waist purse, and declared: “Then it’s alright! Let them do what they want—but don’t you ever shake their hands after cricket!”
And so, ladies and gentlemen, that is how India and Pakistan played cricket this week. On the field, rivals for ninety overs. Off the field, business partners counting the revenue from sponsors, broadcasters, and ticket sales.
We, the fans, were Mrs. Mohan—angry about the fights, forgetting the history, but beaming with joy because, after all, the money came home. And yes, we found moral comfort in the one fig leaf left: We didn’t shake hands.
Ah, how noble! We can cheer, share dressing rooms, bat together in IPL franchises, and exchange sly smiles at the toss. But extend a hand? Never! That would be betrayal of the nation, dishonor to the flag, and perhaps, worst of all, a trending hashtag.
Strange, isn’t it? Gandhi shook hands with the British even while demanding they quit India. Mandela shook hands with the very men who jailed him. Reagan and Gorbachev shook hands while their missiles still pointed at each other. But we? We discovered the ultimate diplomatic weapon: folded arms and sweaty palms resolutely kept apart.
Maybe one day our foreign policy will adopt this Mohan Doctrine: Fight, trade, insult, play cricket, but never, ever shake hands! Perhaps the United Nations will adopt it too: world peace through no-handshakes! Imagine wars ending with leaders bowing politely and saying, “Don’t worry, Ma, we didn’t touch their hands.”
Till then, the real winners are not the teams but the ones counting the gate money. The same way Mrs. Mohan tucked those coins into her purse, cricket boards across the border chuckled at their bank accounts swelling, while we fans consoled ourselves: At least they didn’t shake hands.
Maybe next time, we should check the score not on the scoreboard but on the balance sheets…!
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Robert Clements is a newspaper columnist and writes a daily column, which has graced the pages of over 60 newspapers and magazines, from a daily column in the Khaleej Times, Dubai, the Morning Star, London, and in nearly every state in India, from The Statesman in Kolkata, to the Kashmir Times in Kashmir to the Trinity Mirror in Chennai.
Sometimes it’s refreshing reading this kinds of exaggerated sentences even when giving the reality and moral lessons 😀 Thank you Bob for the smiles too!
So true!
How can two warring countries “just play cricket” on a sticky wicket with a third umpire having fuzzy vision, “calling the shots” at the boundary while rampant terrorism which is almost a century old echoes in the background?
Honestly, I’m stumped. It is game over not only for maidens but bachelors too in this sport between these controversial neighbours.
What’s horrendous is that we have greedy sponsors justifying the “no-shaking hands” oath! A silly point, really.
No orange cap or purple cap for the sponsors, just a black mask and helmet to protect themselves from the angry nationalists.
Patriotism takes the spotlight; but behind the curtain, quiet handshakes glimmer and coins pass like old loyalties!
No handshakes because they want to please their masters while raking in the money.
International Relationships is a complex interaction.Wars though undesired happens to fall in this complexity.
I wonder if it’s possible to keep disagreements,wars on a separate arena away fron sports,culture,education thus
keeping a gate open to interact and find solutions.
I absolutely agree, killing innocents is a crime,tackle it at that level,leaving space for other peace oriented possibilities. Playing a game as required and protesting by
not shaking hands showed our anger and other possibilities.
Making our Nation Economically and Militarily Strong with Valued Ethics and Lofty Moral Standards will make us the cynosure of all.
Hilarious, silly and thought provokingly serious! We play for the money but ease the conscience by not shaking hands!